Relationship Intelligence - The Ultimate Love: Reserved Cognitive Room

The Ultimate Love - Reserved Cognitive Room

“No matter where you go,” the father said with his eyes glistening, “there is always a room for you here, darling.” The daughter, overwhelmed with emotion, smiled and gave her parents a big hug before saying goodbye, as she prepared to move out of the house. The fading afternoon light brushed gold on the walls of the daughter’s room, which seemed to remember her toddlering waddle, the sound of her running feet, and the late-night giggles with her girl friends. “Come back anytime you want,” the mother added, holding back all the tears. This is a fairly common scene in movies, where the parents carry all the emotional weight of years gone by too quickly, promising the room will be reserved for their kid to return anytime. From Interstellar to Lady Bird, from Little Women to Call Me by Your Name, the father and mother’s unconditional love and longing as the child begins to pursue their own life are truly heartfelt.

However, let’s consider an alternative offer from the parents.

“No matter where you go,” the father said with his eyes glistening, “there is a $500 cash card that you can book a decent room in any hotel, darling.” The mother added, “In the hotel, there is always warm food, clean beddings, and waiters with smiles on their faces.”

Sounds crazy, huh? If I were the daughter, I would politely reject the cash card, knowing that I can book my own hotel.

What is the difference between the home room and the hotel room? Why is the promise of a reserved room at home regarded as unconditional love? Certainly, there is a practical aspect from the home room, as parents don’t repurpose the room for other uses that could increase convenience and livability. There is also the certainty that comes with the home room offer: when the child faces difficulties, they can return to this safe place. However, at a deeper level, the home room not only represents the physical space but also reflects the parents’ mental reservations. The home room symbolises that parents will always hold a significant place in their children’s minds and hearts. The physical room is a worldly representation of their parents’ longing for their child. The home offer is touching because it is linked to love, care, and a lasting cognitive commitment from the parents. Cognitive room triumphs the physical room.

The significance of reserved cognitive space also applies to romantic relationships. The old saying “to know is to love” now has a modern neuroscience explanation. The medial prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that governs our sense of self, activates not only when we think about ourselves but also when we think about someone we are very familiar with. In other words, our brain uses the same mechanisms to process thoughts about ourselves and those about someone we know well. The better we understand our significant other, the more likely we are to think fondly of them. The more our brains know our loved ones, the fuzzier the boundaries become between ourselves and them. When it is in one’s mind that their partner likes the smell of rosemary, they unconsciously find it pleasant to smell the rosemary shampoo in the supermarket, even if it is not their own favourite scent. When one knows JJ Lin is his partner’s favourite singer, he finds it delightful hearing JJ Lin’s song as background music in the shopping mall, just like his own preferred song is being played. The love deepens in the mind, merging the two entities into a single entity.

Additionally, reserved mental space encourages empathy. We become more inclined to see things from each other’s perspective rather than being self-centred. Imagine the wife has recently been appearing distracted at the dinner table, which could leave the husband disappointed and frustrated, as he always wants to share all the news with his beloved wife. If the husband consistently allocates sufficient cognitive space for the wife, he might notice that her work stress has been high lately; therefore, her distraction at the dinner table is actually a sign that she is extending work thoughts beyond business hours. As a result, the husband might feel less irritated by her absentmindedness and is more likely to ask caring questions, such as “How has work been, darling?”

Furthermore, reserved cognitive spaces create emotional intimacy, which in turn fosters self-disclosure. When we understand each other’s mental maps, fears, values, dreams, and vulnerabilities, we are more likely to share our innermost thoughts safely. We anticipate understanding rather than judgment, and we believe our loved ones would pause their world if we needed them to listen. Sharing personal feelings increases intimacy, so literally the more we know, the more we love.

It is worth doing a mental check of how much cognitive room we reserve for our significant other. What is their overall well-being? What is their biggest dream? What is their favourite food and drink? What about music and movies? Will they enjoy cold or warm weather, and where is the perfect holiday destination? What has been bothering them recently? If they win a lottery of a few thousand dollars, how are they likely to dispose of this small fortune? If all these questions can be answered without hesitation, it means you have ample cognitive space reserved for your loved one. If not, it would be a good idea to open a few conversations to explore the answers together. After all, love is not just a spark of attraction; it is the outcome of knowing. The more our minds understand each other’s reality, the more hearts will open to each other.