Relationship Intelligence - Phone Down, Eyes Up

Ingelligence Mixer - Phone Down, Eyes Up

Each cafe is a small world. The hiss of the coffee machine, the warmth of the steamed milk, the smell of hot chocolate, the soft chatter of strangers —all blend together, weaving the atmosphere into a cosy blanket. People share a syncopated rhythm here, creating a separate dimension from the busy world outside. Take all the time you need, and enjoy the bitterness and richness from the cup.

Usually, after my brain reaches its caffeinated peak, it becomes a bit difficult to keep reading. At this point, I often close my book and simply look around to observe the strangers who, unknowingly, share a small moment of their lives with me. There are mothers gently wiping tomato sauce from the corners of their toddlers’ mouths. Elderly men and women exchanging exciting stories, their hands waving in the air. Young men and women talking and listening, leaning forward with great interest in each other, with their eyes sparkling. Some businessmen and women sit alone, seemingly enjoying this quiet break from their busy lives.

However, I need to confess that there is one type of person I always feel a bit sorry for. When I see two people at the same coffee table, both busy with their mobile phones, especially for a long time, I can’t help but feel a bit sorry. Of course, it’s none of my business, and people always have plenty of reasons to use their phones—meeting reminders, funny videos, checking the weather, and refreshing social media. There’s never a shortage of reasons to check our phones. But if two people end up at the same table in a cafe, I bet their plan isn’t to play with their phones together. It might be unconscious and habitual—reaching for the phone, unlocking it, and opening whatever app is at their fingertips. Once the phone is unlocked, a few minutes can vanish. Those minutes could have been used to share and listen, to provide and receive empathy, to enjoy some togetherness, to trigger mind mirroring, allowing the brain to release oxytocin, serotonin, or even dopamine, to sense the good smell and taste of coffee. None of this happens—all thanks to the little screen in hand, luring our attention and stealing all the moments from living in the now.

Similar to its harmful effect on enjoying good coffee and conversation, a mobile phone is a powerful disruptor in relationships. Almost all the essential components of a long-lasting romantic relationship can be affected by frequent and excessive phone use.

- Relationships require mutual understanding, which is fostered through active listening. If one person takes their phone out every few minutes to check WhatsApp, many of the other person’s sharing attempts would be easily blocked.

- Relationships need cognitive space (remember the Ultimate Love?). Phones make our minds busy, filled with short-lived and fragmented information (what did Trump say yesterday? Which singer is broken up again? Was there another scandal involving a president from a country on the other side of the world?) Our valuable cognitive room is filled with noise, leaving very little space for our loved ones.

- Relationships need a certain level of tolerance for boredom. After all, nothing can always be fancy, always new, always interesting. It should be normal for people in a relationship to quietly and satisfactorily finish their dinner, gossip a bit about the neighbour, rant a bit about the rainy weather, and clean up the table together. All these bland yet meaningful conversations contribute to a strong, lasting relationship, but they simply vanish when people take out their phones and start scrolling. There are dancing cats, talking birds, and laughing clowns on the screen, crystal clear at 2048 pixels, right at your fingertips. No real person can be as interesting. Talking about neighbours and the weather? Certainly not.

- Relationships thrive when there’s minimal comparison with others. Two people blend their values and standards partly, fostering a sense of ‘we-ness’. These values and standards are readily influenced by frequent exposure to social media platforms. For example, a couple might decide to lead a simple life over the next few years to save for their first house’s deposit. Social media can negatively impact this decision by showing others’ luxury holiday stories. Such exposure can psychologically prime individuals, raising the standards for what they see as a simple life. Consequently, the couple may struggle to stay aligned on the meaning of simplicity, as social media can distort one person’s judgment.

We will explore the negative effects of mobile phones on people’s ability to perceive, process, memorise, and recall information in Chapter 3, Information Intelligence. In Chapter 4, Emotional Intelligence, we will also examine how frequent phone use can diminish people’s life satisfaction, learning ability, and capacity to stay focused. To enhance information, emotional, and relationship intelligence, simply put your phone down or keep it out of reach. It’s no exaggeration to say that mobile phones have become an extension of many people’s bodies, with some experiencing physical discomfort after just a few minutes apart. Don’t let the phone diminish your relationships. There’s a real person with a whole world in front of you—much more worthwhile than talking birds, dancing cats, and Facebook updates. Put the phone down, and lift your eyes to look at your partner who shares your world. A glance at the dinner table on the phone screen is like a few water drops on the flames of the relationship. When there are too many water drops, the fire extinguishes. Conversations muffle when the phone speaks; love dulls when notification chimes. Look up, speak, and listen. Let the words and smiles, not the devices, dominate the space between, making it warm and alive.