Relationship Intelligence - The Reproduction Inconveniences

The Reproduction Inconveniences

Being in a romantic relationship for a man is like playing hide-and-seek. Unconsciously (OK, sometimes consciously), we notice the good-looking waitress in a cafe, pay attention to the fit runner on the street, and let our eyes stay for an extra half second on the attractive lady in the bookstore. Even writing down this sentence as a married man gives me a sense of guilt. How dare I call any other woman than my beloved wife good-looking or attractive? Am I conducting a decent episode of mini cheating in my head?

I call this reproduction inconveniences. The inconvenience stems from our bodies’ hardwired instinct to find opportunities to produce as many healthy offspring as possible. After all, we are no more than a bunch of genes with legs from an evolutionary point of view. Regardless of how much debate on free will occurred among philosophers and scientists, genes have the mighty power to override, at least temporarily, our free will. Our brain unconsciously scans the peripheral environment for reproductive opportunities, even when they are impractical. Good-looking lady over the corner of the cafe? Our stone age brain is yelling, “Have a good look immediately, and evaluate the possibility of passing genes together with her. Good physical appearance indicates a high chance of survival of our offspring.” Fit runner found on the street with a perfect hip-waist ratio? The stone-age brain is issuing a command to us, “quickly, think of mixing your genes with hers, since a good hip-waist ratio indicates good nutrition intake, thus more likely to have a healthy kid”. All of these calculations occur within a fraction of a second, bypassing our consciousness. We cannot stop or prevent these thoughts, since these thoughts are hard-coded as high-priority messages in the thalamus, the brain region that decides which information to filter and which to send to the frontal cortex, our conscious mind.

While both males and females have this built-in “mating scanner,” the male’s scanner is much more sensitive. Suppose we use an fMRI (Functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging) to perform live scans of both average male and female brains. In that case, the male brain’s mating scanner activates roughly twice as much as females. A study by Terri Fisher at Ohio State University, involving 120 males and 163 females, found that males reported a median of 19 sexual thoughts per day, whereas females reported a median of 10. An fMRI experiment conducted by Hamann S., Herman R., and Nolan C. L. in 2004 on men’s and women’s amygdala response to visual sexual stimuli, confirmed that men showed 2.7 times higher response to sexual visual stimuli. This is a male’s reproductive inconvenience: our biological instinct constantly distracts us by making us look for the next chance to mate. This makes it harder to stay calm and focused. Whether we’re walking, driving, talking, or browsing online, part of our brain is always on the lookout for new reproductive opportunities, like a background computer program.

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Do males experience reproductive inconvenience more often than females? Absolutely not. It is, in fact, the opposite. If male suffering is mental, female suffering includes both psychological and physical aspects. Starting from adolescence, females’ body development biologically prepares them for pregnancy, presenting various challenges. To trigger ovulation each month, the female body regulates alternating dominant hormones—namely, estrogen and progesterone—both of which are potent enough to influence a person’s perception of the world. When estrogen dominates in the first half of the menstrual cycle (the follicular phase), females experience increased oxytocin sensitivity due to estrogen’s dopamine and serotonin-boosting effects. During this phase, females tend to have sharper cognitive abilities, better social skills, and generally feel confident, outgoing, and energetic. In the second half of the cycle (luteal phase), as progesterone prevails, females often feel calmer and more introspective, becoming more reflective, less social, less motivated, and sometimes moody. This fluctuation may be mind-blowing for many men: how can someone change their personality every two weeks? However, this is the biological reality for all women who menstruate, roughly 12 times a year, or about 500 times in a lifetime. Having a shifting personality can be inconvenient, especially considering the already complex world we live in.

Furthermore, for those who have strong or imbalanced hormone levels, there are many types of menstrual symptoms. PMS (premenstrual syndrome) can easily turn an active, sharp, and positive woman into someone sleepy, brain-fogged, low-motivated, and fatigued. Dysmenorrhea can cause cramping pains, nausea, vomiting, diarrhoea, and lightheadedness. Due to regular blood loss, women are more prone to anaemia and iron deficiency, which further negatively impacts the immune system. There are also acne, breast swelling, joint pain, bloating, constipation, and insomnia. For those 3% of women who, unfortunately, have severe PMS (or PMDD, premenstrual dysphoric disorder), they experience monthly depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and trouble remembering daily activities. All of these heartbreaking symptoms are a consequence of the body preparing itself for a potential pregnancy. It is too conservative to call it an inconvenience; it is a catastrophic disruption.

Furthermore, females undergo 6 times as many significant hormonal changes as men do (3 times). Let’s look at a female’s life if she chooses to have children.

- Puberty(Age 8 to 15): powerful estrogen surges would make her more vulnerable to mood swings, depression, and migraines. Her cycles are also irregular, so she rushes to the girls’ room under the boys’ confused eyes. Her hips widen (preparing for the birth canal), her breasts develop (preparing for breastfeeding), making her less competitive in sport compared to the boys for the first time in her life. In other words, adolescent girls’ bodies develop towards getting pregnant, while boys develop towards physical competition (stronger muscles, higher bone density, higher haemoglobin, higher blood oxygen saturation).

- Reproductive years (Age 16 to 35): all the above-mentioned menstrual symptoms kick in, in exchange for peak fertility. However, at least estrogen can provide additional protection compared to men in terms of skin elasticity, bone density, and cardiovascular health.

- Pregnancy: this is the full-size challenge. Progesterone can skyrocket to 100 times higher than pre-pregnancy levels, which can completely change women’s characteristics. Prolactin increases to prepare the body for lactation. Blood volume increases steadily, from 15% in the first trimester to 50% in the third trimester (hear this, my fellow males, 50% of blood in the body in 9 months!). The morning sickness, the sleep loss, the fatigue, the gestational diabetes, the gestational hypertension, the anxiety about the upcoming birth… All these happen in a highly coordinated way, to get ready for the newborn. After the birth, 15% of women experience postpartum depression, and many more experience mood swings due to massive progesterone withdrawal. Don’t even think about a whole night of sleep for at least a year, or even a few years.

- Pre-menopause (Age 35 to 45): The powerful estrogen protection begins to fade, and irregular cycles start again (similar to puberty irregularities). Chances of PMS increase, night sweats begin, weight control becomes harder, and recovery from mental and physical stress slows down. In this stage, due to decreased estrogen levels, many women experience less compulsive caring behaviour, such as tending to others’ needs. For the first time, they start saying “washing your socks! tidying their rooms!” I believe this is great. Our society (especially males) has taken women’s high estrogen levels and their caring tendencies for granted for too long. For many men, please wash your socks and tidy your room.

- Perimenopause (Age 45 to 51). Estrogen fluctuates more, sometimes dropping to 0. Hot flashes and brain fog occur, and sensitivity to cortisol (a stress hormone for both males and females) increases. Visceral fat becomes even harder to lose. The hourglass body shape starts to fade.

- Menopause (Age > 51): Estrogen and progesterone levels drop to zero, leading to decreased bone density and increased cardiovascular risk. It marks the start of a new chapter in which female characteristics are nearly absent.

Comparatively, man’s hormonal changes over a lifetime are pretty simple. During puberty, men’s testosterone levels increase twentyfold, leading to sexual maturity, aggression, muscle gain, voice change, and body hair. Then, from the early 20s to mid-50s, before androgen decline, men enjoy a stable hormonal environment. No monthly cycle, no pregnancy, no breastfeeding, no nothing. Starting from the mid-50s, men experience a decline in testosterone, which causes muscle loss and midlife crises. Eventually, in their late 70s or 80s, testosterone levels become very low, and a grandad is there. That’s it. If women’s hormonal change is a 100-metre roller coaster, a man’s change is a toddler slider—much simpler and more stable. Again, for women, the turbulence throughout their reproductive years is not a mere inconvenience; it is another catastrophic disruption.

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So, what does it mean to understand the inconveniences (or catastrophic disruptions) of male and female reproduction in terms of relationship intelligence? We, both men and women, need to adopt an understanding view towards each other. Men bear the burden of constant attraction, which causes her caution. Women cope with the rhythm of preparedness, which causes his confusion. Let’s strive for mutual understanding, where others’ struggles are not viewed as weakness, but as nature’s side effects carried differently.