Relationship Intelligence - Intro

“OK, you can bring it.” I surrendered to my daughter, again.

I let her place the pumpkin-sized Aladdin Genie Lamp in the travel suitcase so it could be taken on a holiday. The Genie Lamp is clearly a fantastic toy that combines creativity and design perfectly. It has a few buttons and sensors, some hidden compartments holding a key, a ring, and a Genie. Once you follow a very specific set of steps (press the green button, then the red button, then rub the bottom part of the lamp firmly, open the first layer of the lid, fetch the key, use the key to unlock a secret bottom lock, and take out the magic ring…), the Genie will appear. After removing the Genie, it will ask in a high-pitched voice, “Make-oo a wish-oo? (Make a wish)?”

“Daddy, daddy, make a wish to her!” My daughter is usually very excited about this part. She herself must have wished a dozen times already before asking me. “I wish the world peace,” I said in a semi-tried, semi-amused tone. You know the feeling of playing the 100th time of the same game with a six-year-old. “(With high pitch) I wish for world peace,” the Genie repeated, using her microphone and integrated circuit to echo me. A bit of silence. The Genie is clearly pondering the possibility and consequences of granting my wish. “Wish-oo granted!” the Genie had decided. Bravo! My wish would come true! My daughter jumped up and down, giggling with her sparkling laughter. “Again!” she started packing everything—the key, the ring, the Genie—back into the lamp, and then we began making even more wishes. Free ice creams, flying cars, unicorns and centaurs visiting us tonight, Harry Potter winning the next Quidditch Cup.

Later, when my daughter is finally asleep, I start browsing the local library website for the next book to borrow. With my recent interest in couple relationships, I mindlessly open previews of the table of contents of many books in the relationship category. I no longer remember the exact titles of the books, but below are the illustrations.

“Chapter 4: Emotional Security, the cause and result of a successful relationship”

“Introduction: How strong relationships can boost financial success”

“Healthy relationships can improve your health, more than the doctor could”

“Passionate Marriage”

“Hold Me Tight”

“Mating in Captivity”

There are so many things we expect from a relationship. Passion, fun, mystery, security, stability, consistency, emotional support, validation of feelings, friendship, fulfilment of fantasies, soul mate, closeness, touch, lovemaking, reproduction, social construct, stronger-together-finance, warm coffee ready on the table first thing on Sunday morning… I can hardly think of anything that bears so many deep and complex expectations in life. Maybe a career? We expect a career to provide financial stability, a sense of belonging, self-actualisation, growth, social opportunities, fun, and more. However, we formally invest years or decades of education to prepare for a career. We spend so much time and energy crafting a successful career, so we expect a lot in return. Relationship, however, receives little or no formal conscious investment for the vast majority of people. We date for fun, we marry because we love, we care because we do, but we don’t study, cultivate, and practise relationships 40 hours a week. Interestingly, we expect many deep returns from relationships, illustrated at the beginning of this paragraph. There is one thing that shares a great similarity with relationships. It is magical, very hard to operate, and offers an endless supply of impossible wishes. What was it?

My daughter’s magic Genie lamp.