Relationship Intelligence - The Curse of Masculinity

The Curse of Masculinity

The life of a male lion is tough. Despite being painted as the king of the safari, a male lion’s existence is full of fights and danger. When born, male lions face immediate death because if a challenger wins a battle with the current dominant lion, the winner kills all the cubs. Hence, the female lions are biologically ready for new pregnancies. If a male lion survives its first two to three years, it will face exile, forced by its own father, the dominant lion of the pride, to leave. Losing protection from the pride, the exiled young lion faces all kinds of predators and rival lions. Many young lions don’t get the chance to grow into adults. For those lucky enough to survive exile, an adult male lion is destined to challenge the dominant lion of a pride. It’s always a fight till nearly the death, and the winner becomes the dominant lion, ready to kill all the cubs. Is that a time to enjoy a cold beer in the company of all the female lions? Not really. A dominant lion needs to be ready at any second for the next challenger. A strange smell, a roar from afar, or a shadow behind the trees—all can be the prelude to a fight to the death. Injured? No problem, it’s the perfect time for another challenger to try their luck.

A man is like a lion, at least to some extent. When we were babies, we were told to be strong, not to cry, and not to show fear. A girl toddler who tripped and hurt her knee would receive a big hug and comfort, whereas a boy might get an encouraging pep talk like “stand up, young man.” When we are young teenagers, tears are taboo, seeking help is seen as a sign of weakness, and offering care is sometimes mocked as feminine. As adults, we are expected to be providers and protectors; we are meant to fight our way through the competing grounds and social ladders. As we get older, the fear of showing weakness can be immense—in the office, on the field, and in the bedroom. We live in a constant fight through life, driven by cultural norms, social conventions, and traditions. Just like male lions are bound by their masculinity to fight for survival constantly, a human male is cursed by his masculinity to hide his emotions, prove his manhood, and live in loneliness.

Hiding emotions is the clearest sign of a man cursed by the pursuit of masculinity. Emotions are part of our physical being, connected with body and mind, and they influence how we think and respond to the world. Emotions are vital for communicating without words, maintaining health by balancing metabolic reactions, and understanding ourselves. Humans without emotion are like music produced by software; each note and rhythm might be correct, but it is soulless. Strangely, many, if not all, cultures see a negative link between masculinity and emotional richness. Check any random movie from anywhere — where gunfire, car explosions, and sucker punch fights happen — and the male lead often appears to suffer from facial paralysis. First incoming? Poker-face punch. A kid calling him a hero? Poker-face salute. Being stabbed in the tummy? Poker-face takes the sword out. Superman, Batman, The Rock, The Hulk, Rambo, Zorro (well, he has an excuse —he has a mask)… any character with full-blown masculinity is an emotional dumbbell.

I vividly recall an interview with a football player who demonstrated male suppression of emotions perfectly. The player suffered an injury (later confirmed as a fractured bone) during a game and had to be stretchered off the field. When asked in an interview shortly after the game, an interesting conversation took place:

“That was a hard fall. How are you doing?” the reporter asked.

"Yeah, not too bad. It’s certainly not the best time to get injured, as the whole team needs me. They suffered a lot of attacks in the middle of the field after I left," the football player replied.

"Yeah, true. Do you still feel pain? I heard you might need surgery?" the reporter continued.

“Who knows, the team doctor will decide. I might need a few days or weeks to recover, but I will certainly help the team by analysing the game recordings," answered the football player.

The football player is clearly trapped by his masculinity. He answered everything—the doctor, the training, the recovery, the game situation, and the help for the team. But he cannot simply answer “Do you still feel pain?” Saying out loud, "Yes, I am still in pain," as is clearly indicated by his pale face and sweating forehead, is such a forbidden act that he instinctively avoids it. A lion is attacked and weak, but it cannot show signs of pain; the next challenger might be around.

Apart from hiding emotions, another curse of masculinity is the constant competition for dominance. Just like a lion competing for survival, man’s animality (or testosterone, to be more precise) always seduces him to compete, to score, and to dominate. If women are biologically built to relate, men are built to compete. During the long history of Homo Sapiens, man’s competitive instinct certainly increased the survival rate of individuals and their tribes. This is because of the scarcity of resources, such as food, shelter, and reproductive opportunities. However, technological advancements have almost freed most humans from starvation and the daily threat of death; the necessity to compete is now completely void. We don’t need to fight tooth and nail for bread at breakfast, which only costs $5. There’s no need to run as fast as our legs can carry us to catch a bus—the next one will come.

Unfortunately, the luxury of not having to compete is too unfamiliar for our stone-age brains, especially for men. Many of us feel anxious without a rival to challenge or a score to gauge success. Some turn to money (like trying to make the next 10 million dollars at the cost of sleep). Some focus on physical appearances (like how many recreational bodybuilders rely on steroids to build bigger biceps at the expense of their erections). Others turn to possessions (like owning a house with a private lift or a Porsche that costs half a million dollars to fix a scratch, leading to significant debt). While many wise men know they need to live a happy life, many others, driven by the curse of masculinity, pursue the impossible to gain a sense of winning. These days, the concept of alpha male has almost become negative, referring to those who are self-centred, arrogant, and aggressive. The curse of masculinity has prevented the so-called alpha males from understanding that authenticity and empathy triumph over power and strength.

So, how can we enhance our relationship intelligence in the face of the curse of masculinity? For my fellow men, please try your best to let go of the competitive mindset. Salary figures, office titles, body heights, bicep circumferences, vehicle brands, or Christmas destinations are simply a combination of resources, luck, and personal preference. They do not define us; they only distinguish us, like our hair colour does. There is not much to win if life is not seen as a game but as a journey. For ladies, please respect the biological drives in our blood, brain, and bones. The reason your partner, boyfriend, or husband says that (I have to win this), buys those things (I really need the turbo 2.0 engine model), behaves like this (speeding fine incoming!), or goes there (third intrastate business trip within a week), is because he is still on the journey to defy the curse of masculinity.