Relationship Intelligence - The CUPID Expectations

The CUPID Expectations




Relationships haven't always carried these expectations. In most cultures throughout human history, relationships are straightforward, sometimes just a result of family connections. The son of the local barber might enjoy spending time with the daughter of the local baker. A few meetups in the park, a couple of beers at the pub, a trip to the nearby town, strumming a guitar while stargazing—boom, a baby is on the way. What do you mean by supporting each other emotionally? What do you mean by understanding each other’s inner desires and deepest motivations? And what is this thing called the 3Cs of relationships (Communication, Compromise, and Commitment)? Too complex, we'll pass.

This already straightforward process of building relationships has been made even easier in many cultures through arranged marriages, which still likely remain common in various parts of the world. “Dear Mary, today is your wedding day, and I formally introduce you to your husband, Joseph. Wish you happiness!” Mary would need to accept Joseph as her husband and start developing a new relationship with him, whether positive or negative, to meet social expectations related to reproduction and sharing assets. Best wishes to Mary as she aims to meet those fifteen deep needs from this relationship.

However, the simplicity of relationships mentioned earlier has completely changed over the past few hundred years. We first saw the industrial revolution, which significantly altered the supply and demand within the relationship market. With the advent of cars, planes, trains, and all kinds of transportation, people move to new places like never before. In urban areas, traditional boundaries that restricted relationships are breaking down. Interracial couples, intra-religion lovers, multilingual families, and cross-continent households—these once-unthinkable relationship structures are becoming more common. In other words, when the barber’s daughter hops on a train and moves to the big city, she encounters a surprising variety of potential lovers, far beyond what her small village life could have ever offered.

This variety of relationship supply is further enhanced by information technology, often regarded as the third industrial revolution. With all the digital magic powered by electromagnetic fields, we can communicate with anyone, anywhere. If the first and second Industrial Revolutions physically moved many people closer to facilitating relationships, the digital revolution virtually transforms everyone on earth into potential relationship providers. Everyone is online 24 hours a day, and relationships happen at your fingertips.

Aside from the technological revolution, social changes in recent decades have also enabled women to enter the relationship market as independents. Historically suppressed in many cultures for thousands of years, women have been culturally and economically excluded from social hierarchy. Although some parts of the world still require women to seek men’s permission and accompany them when travelling, it is rare for a country or culture to bar women from participating in most political and economic activities. Thanks to the ability to work, vote, speak, and migrate, women now have a say in relationships—something unprecedented in history. This is arguably the most significant social change of the last century. Humanity as a whole no longer discriminates against half of itself solely based on the number of X chromosomes someone has.




It’s not only the variety of relationships that increases, but also the depth of those connections. Relationships now carry much more flavour compared to in the past due to advances in technology and societal shifts. For example, consistency has not always been the most valued quality people seek in relationships. Historically, it was mainly provided by extended families and communities. When people live in small villages, everything feels familiar and stable. Regardless of a person’s personality, one generally deals with similar social obligations and emotional challenges.

Imagine in a small village a hundred years ago, an emotionally turbulent husband sometimes surprises his wife with a good temper and other days with a bad one. It wouldn’t be too bad, since there’s enough stability in the village. The local bakery owner offers a consistent smile each morning, the 89-year-old granny living across the creek always offers fresh biscuits, and the ice cream shop guarantees to serve discounted strawberry ice cream before sunset. An occasionally ill-tempered husband wouldn’t be a big deal as long as we receive enough constancy from the community.

Now imagine the same husband today in a bustling city in Australia. The wife has a demanding job, dealing with all sorts of crazy clients with dozens of ridiculous requirements every day. Colleagues haven’t been entirely helpful, messing things up in all sorts of creative ways. Childcare has called again, saying the kid is coughing and needs to be brought home, but the husband couldn’t be reached. The wife finally gets a 10-minute break, rushing to her favourite coffee shop, only to find a strange face behind the counter, as the shop has been taken over by an apparent coffee amateur. Now she’s home, only to discover the husband has repainted the entire bedroom green.

“Why do you do it, honey?” the wife asked.

“Oh, I feel a bit blue, so I want a bit of a change. I think green might protect your eyes,” hubby answered.

Good luck with the relationship and the freshly painted wall. The pace, stress, and upheaval of modern life force us to face so much uncertainty that we can’t afford for our relationship to become an inconsistent place. When we come home after the hectic urban grind, we want to see the other person think and behave in a consistent, predictable way, just like we want the same colour of the bedroom wall each day.




Besides consistency, understanding is also becoming more important in modern relationships. As humans, we always want to be heard and understood, but now we’re more eager than ever for someone to seek to understand us and listen. Society’s progress over the past few hundred years has fostered complex feelings, leading to greater demands for validation and sympathy. If a person from the Baroque era travelled to today, they would likely be very confused by conversations like “My boss is asking me to disagree and commit,” “I am in a such a fear of missing out zone, I need to take action,” or “There are simply too many choices, I am stuck in analysis paralysis.” We trust those close to us to tell us we’re doing well (it is our boss asking the impossible), that we don’t need to worry (just wait, you’ll find a better one), or that we should take action (just follow your heart, you can’t be wrong about this). Historically, these types of understanding and validation of feelings mostly came from extended family and communities. For example, a village lady worried about her son’s growing temper and disrespect for her would likely seek support from her sisters and friends rather than her husband, who might be just as disrespectful. Nowadays, our siblings are 3000 kilometres away, our close friends are busy with their own issues and can’t always give us 30 minutes of understanding. So, who do we turn to? Of course, our partner, spouse, fiancée, or lover.

Extending our understanding, we crave intimacy. Atomised by the well-oiled machine of modern life, we feel ontologically anxious, alienated, and separated. Like trees spreading their roots, we seek to anchor, connect, and grasp firmly. No matter how much superficial acquaintance exists out there, we need a unique one to resonate with, to feel with tenderness. We want to touch, and to be touched in return. We desire to be near, and to be truly known. Within relationships, in the gazing of eyes and the pause between breaths, we seek shared warmth to ease our loneliness.

Beyond consistency and understanding, we seek passion in relationships. All relationships start with a touch of passion; however, over time, passion can become metabolically costly as the relentless march of time tames our animalistic nature and extinguishes the flame within us. The butterflies fluttering around our hearts and stomachs fade away. The burning sensation on the lips after a small kiss is forgotten, or perhaps even the most recent kiss becomes just a faint, rosy memory. The longing to hold the other in our arms, to be held tightly, is replaced by the comfort of routines and rituals—sweet but plain. We have stopped doing crazy things for each other: no more surprise visits, no more spontaneity, no more giggling in the middle of a snowy night. We have become solidified into worldly beings, bridled and muffled. People turn to sports, music, friends, and communities to release different types of passion; however, the erotic enthusiasm remains a pilot in the heart.

And there is a hunger for diversity. Consistency and intimacy form the foundation of relationships, including the walls and roofs, but we also crave ornaments, decorations, and renovations. We want to experience something new, yet safe, to mirror our restlessness and rediscover the spark. Familiarity fosters safety, but our brain’s reward centre hums with dopamine to prompt the eye to seek out something new. Anti-monogamy movements, infidelity anecdotes, and products to “spice up the relationship” (Romantic escapes! Second generation of truly intimate devices! AI-powered virtual girlfriends!) have spoken loudly yet silently: flames of relationships may fade, but the quest for diversity never does.

We expect five delicate elements from a relationship: consistency, understanding, passion, intimacy, and diversity.

It is a CUPID expectation.